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Dork
Jun. 14., 2006
02:22 pm - "hey miss murder can I make beauty stay if I take my life?"
OMFG!!!!!! I just now read all of my old updates....I WAS SUCH A DRAMAM QUEEN! And I thought....I actually thought I was in love with Mitch. OMG. OMFG. Sorry.
well I guess I'll be on mah way.
OMG.
xoxoxo
llama
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/wink.gif){kind=small}
omg.Apr. 18., 2005
07:47 pm
hey,
my spring break has been going pretty well...
we went swimming today and yesterday. I am sunburnt to hell and back, believe me, that's what it feels like.
I want to move in with Kota. I am not happy at home with my family. My new "stepdad" is not helping much. My mom let him move in without really caring or knowing how I felt. She wants me to like him, but I never will. I dont really love my mom like I should, either. I mean, I love her, because she's my mom, but I dont feel like I can confide in her, like a daughter should be able to with her mother. I can confide im "mama" or kota's mom, better than I can my own mother. It breaks my heart so much, to feel like I dont belong anywhere, or with anybody. I dont think Mitch is the right person for me to be with, at least I don't want him to be. I just feel out of place, constantly, and no-one really knows. I just feel like my family doesnt understand me, and I am blessed to have found a family that does. The only problem is, that this family is not mine. I dont see why God can't just give me a break, because I am always worried about something, someone, and it is so tiring. Nothing seems okay, ne more
I gotta go, see ya later.
-britt
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif){kind=small}
crushedApr. 16., 2005
08:40 am
hey, well, yeshterday me, kota, and tyler :S, went to the fair. We saw T-pot there, but it was wierd. We were talking and he looked in my eyes really wierdly. I felt wierd when he did....
Mitch rode home w/ us from the fair, and went to kota's house.
He was really annoying. I have gotten to the point where he annoys the hell out of me and i cant stand him.
I mean my head tells me not to like him, not to even care, but my heart tells me i am in love with him, and personally i want to hate him. But, unfortuneately for me, i cant. I dont know why i even try, i mean every guy in my school i've liked turned out wrong, with the exception of Joe. I've only got asked out once this year, ive gone out with none. I think guys dont like me b/c of how mean i appear, but that is only my cover, i mean, i could probabally beat any guy i went out w/ up, but i wouldnt want to. guys dont even give me a chance, but who cares? I dont need ne body, nobody.
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/angry.gif){kind=small}
stressedApr. 14., 2005
04:28 pm
hey,
nothing is going on today, but I figured i'd update ne ways. I didnt make an F on my port card.... so im going to FL for spring break...and maybe to the fair this weekend .... or to Kaitie's house....which ever one my mom says I cant do. But, I still feel very deeply about Mitch, cuz he is such a great guy, he is so mean, and hot....a perfect combination. He would never like me though. And Kota is bieng really mean about the whole Mitch thing. Sh is acting like I don't have a fair chance....and she duz. I just wanna get to know him better, just know his personality more and more. I dont think my frineds are really actual friends. I mean, they love bieng there during the good, but when the bad comes around,they scram. Im so sick of everyone judging me, about hw I look, about how I feel, and about Mitch. It's nobody's buisness what I do with my time or my life....and as far as blackmailing me... im over that, and im better than that. Im not sure that I really need friends ne more....if they are going to treat me this way, without respect. Some people act like I am not even a human bieng, like I dont have feeling or ne thing. Well they are wrong, and my feelings are hurt.
-britt
Apr. 13., 2005
08:38 pm
okay, yeah, so I wanted to share a song I wrote when I felt like nothing could be fixed, like all my dreams were shattering before my eyes, until I met Lemon....
Eruption : Brittani McCauley
Im so confused, mixed up in this world,
Im lost with no light,
caught up in something that is not me, I've tried with all my might,
to change who I am, to who I wanna be,
my eyes were blind, I saw what I wanted to see,
all of the air was gone
(CHORUS) If you wanna achieve it,
you gotta believe it, tryin to live dream that's a lie,
there's no point to try,
no-one understanding me, tryin to make myself free,
lost in a place where I can't wake up, I think I might erupt
No-one believed in me, so how can I believe in myself,
lost in the eyes of someone else,
broken promises I gave to me, sight was blind, unable to see,
everything was lost inside, everything I've tried,
I bring out the best in myself.
(chorus)
dreams are what I was, I wasn't awake inside,
life has left me broken, I let myself down.
(CHORUS)
I think I might explode, I think that no-one knows,
I think I might erupt, can't wake up,
I might erupt (3x)
Im gonna erupt
Eruption
ok thats it! enjoy, dont steal it, it is copyrighted.
05:54 pm
hey,
Yesterday was really great. Me and Kota went to the fair. We rode the zipper (not so fun for me) the twist (not so fun for her) and then we rode the ring of fire 3 times. I had a lotta fun. If I don't get an F on my report card (I am Praying) then I will get to go again, this time w/ Kota and Mitch. T-pot says it is obvious that I like Mitch......I hope not. I am mad at Ana. She tried to blackmail me using the song I wrote for patrick (lyrics will follow after this entry.)Okay, well. Courtney has been upset alot lately. She doesn't talk alot anymore....
I am so in love with Mitch. He makes me feel better when I am sad or lonely. It is great to have someone you see every day to think about at night when the world seems to pass you by, day after day, week after week......
He makes me feel, like, invincable, I guess.
okay well c-ya later,
- Britt
Apr. 11., 2005
10:00 pm
hey....... i know i already updated today,(last entry) but I thought i'd update on the 4th or 5th (im not sure which) night of my life....so
Okay, so me n Kota n Mitch were gonna go to the fair (or whatever it is) and it was closed. So we went to Wal-Mart instead *go figure* We followed Mitch around and yelled 'hey,this is our super best freind named Mitch' to total strangers....so hilarious. Then we saw T-pot (to all you non-believers, yes we saw Patrick) He helped Lemon to escape. We chased him all over the store. It was so mush fun. Hub....
I am so happy! I am so in (drawing of a heart) w/ lemon. But, he duznt like me like that, so it duznt matter. At least he can stand to tallk to me alot, I mean, if he didnt I would die...
well im bored, new song i like, here are the lyrics... (dont tell lemon i like this song...cuz we argued about it.)
Email this page
to a friend
ever since the day you went away and left me lonely and cold
my life just hasnt been the same ohh baby, nooo
when I looked into your eyes the moment that I let you go
I just broke down (down)
baby if I ever get the chance to be with you again I would sacrifice
cuz the feeling that I feel within
no other men could ever make me feel so right
its nice to smile when I get your phone call at night
but I?d rather have you here with me, right next to me
I miss the way you hold me tight
(Bridge)
I gotta let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
for you I?d cross the world, for you I?d do anything
(Chorus 2xs)
thats right baby I?m going crazy
I need to be your lady
I?ve been thinking lately
that you and me, yes we can make it
just ride with me, roll with me I?m in love with you baby
break it down now I?ll tell you what I feel
from the moment I met you its been so damn real
my heart seems to skip another beat
every time we speak can you believe I feel so weak
tell me that you really need me and you want me and you miss me
and you love me I?m your lady
I?ll be around waiting for you I?ll put it down be the one for you
I?m falling so deep for you crazy love for you
I`m calling, calling out to you what am I going to do?
Wish you would stop fronting
its so in the weather i can no longer go on without
I just break down (down)
(Bridge)
I gotta let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
for you I?d cross the world, for you I?d do anything
(Chorus 2xs)
thats right baby I?m going crazy
I need to be your lady
I?ve been thinking lately
that you and me, yes we can make it
just ride with me, roll with me I?m in love with you baby
04:25 pm
hey..... what's up?
Today we tested on the OLSAT... blah. Today was pretty kool tho. I looked up and saw Mitch lookin at me today, so I was happy. :) KT went to the AR party with Joe *his name followed by long, unenthusiastic sigh.* I know KT doesn't realize it, but Joe is her everything lately.... blah. O well. At the end of the day I got to go in Mrs. Manning's room, where Mitch was, so.... :) Lately he has been evilish to me. Well I gotta go...........cya's lata
love ya,
Britt
GONADS LOL Courtney
learn your ABC's LOL Mitch and Kota
Am I really that mean?
Apr. 10., 2005
09:45 pm - My day was amazing!!!
Hey, I thought I'd update b/c Saturday and today were the 3rd and 4th best days of my life! Okay Saturday: Me and Kota went to the skatin' rink and hung out w/ Ana and Courtney, then we went camping.... we had an interesting convo (call me for details...haha) It got so freeking last night that me and Kota were practically spooning. LOL! Sunday: We woke up so freezing cold, so we went and jumped in the blazer and left. We slept until 1:00...lol. We stayed on the phone w/ Mitch* for a while, then we cleaned up. Then Mitch*** came over to her house, it was so fun. I got to look at Mitch for 3 hours, and argue with him, so fun. But, Kota's dad told him I like him and he was like "whatever" basically. He thought it was funny, which is cool. Maybe he'll start to talk to me at school, hopefully. He is such a great person. I wanted him to go to Kota's so I could prove myself wrong, and tell myself "You don't like him" but the fact is, it just made me like him even more.....:O. And, Yeah, I realize I never have a chance with him, but it strange how alike we are I mean really. Okay here example: we're both from Georgia, we are both sarcastically mean, we are evilish, we both really like to say shutup, and I think his eyes are blue...so yeah ok.
Well you can get all the so-called details of my day by calliing me later... you know who you are.
I like Mitch so much, I wish I didn't.
later,
Britt
ps. If it weren't for boys, i'd quit school.
Apr. 8., 2005
09:52 pm
hey. I am p/o at DAKOTA! yes this means you! You are a bad freind. You read my journal w/o my permission, and then pester me about what you shouldn't have read in the first place. I don't want ppl to worry about me, so everyone should leave me the hell alone. I hate everybody, every single human bieng alive on this earth, I hate right now. But I am okay. I mean, I have my problems, there's no denying that, but i'll be okay. I mean sure, I really like a guy who hardly notices my existance, but, yeah, i'm ok. And all my best freinds are slowly getting farther away in our relationships... yes I mean every single friend I have. Sometimes I have theese horrible days at school that make me wanna come home and shame my head, and join the Witness Protection Program. I WILL BE ALRIGHT. I keep telling myself that there's nothing wrong w/ me, that it is normal for me to be full of Animosity. I REALLY hope it is. I really like Lemon Boi, and so do all my friends. But, I kinda have a feeling that they're not quite like me. I mean, do they pray every night that somehow, just somehow, they can somehow magically make him fall in love with them? Am I the only one who tries to "nonchalantly" look his way to get a glimpse of him? Maybe I am. But, we are so much alike, it doesn't make sense for us to not be together. But, obviously we're not. Man, I need to get a life. I am Pathetic.
Apr. 7., 2005
05:46 pm
I hate everybody at school. Erica started the rumor that I like Lemon Boi, and I do, so it aint really a rumor, but still. I didnt appreciate her going and telling Hillary and Miriam w/o me even telleing her. Kota walked up to him and said 'do u wanna go to the prom w/ llama?' and he said 'i'm not going to the prom.' Tyler needs to keep her big, preppy mouth shut, for good, cuz it's none of her damn buisness. The SAT's are stressing the hell outta me, even tho they aint hard to do, I am always worried that I am late for the test, and I wont get to go to the party.... (which duzn't really matter that much to me, cuz all the faggety ann ppl will be there... :( ) Well, Okay then, I need sum1 to comment....COMMENT I SAY!
alrighty then,
Britt
Im just wondering: What color is a smurf when it's choking?
Apr. 6., 2005
09:13 pm
sometimes I feel like givin up on the world. Sometimes I just wanna die. I hate myself so much, it is hard to explain. And now I know no one can possibly love a person as dark, full of animostiy, a girl like me. No one could ever care about me, and no one could know the pain I feel every single day. I say this all the time in my journal, yet life never get's any easier, it just gets more difficult. And if I could kill mysef, believe me, I would. But I have enuff problems, I dont want going to hell to be one of them. I get as close to killing myself as possible, believe me. And sometimes I feel like it might even be physically painless, yet everything seems to be physically painless theese days, prolly b/c the pain inside of me grows more, grows darker, every minuite of the day. And nothing is okay ne more, nothing goes on right insode my head, the clock is alotta blurs before me, waiting to be disovered....
well i g2g
til' next time (if there is oone, i hate life, maybe i'll die soon)
Britt
Apr. 5., 2005
09:01 pm
Yeah well I AM feelin very deep in thought about lemon boy, so the following song I wrote, might expalin best, okay well here it goes:
Amaze me
Duz it ever cross your mind, im watchin you?
Do you ever feel like i'm waiting too?
I look in your eyes, but you don't look back,
all the feelings I have, you seem to lack.
Can't you tell, that I am caught up in you.
(chorus)I am here, lookin' for you,
but you dont even, seem to have a clue,
I know you see me outta the corner of your eye,
yet you seem to ignore me, my question is why?
Why do you hurt me w/o meaning to?
How is it you do the things you do?
You never cease to amaze me.
It's hard to explain, everything I feel,
Cuz life is catchin up to me, everything's so real,
I cant help but fall for the idea of us,
Cuz I know that you're someone I can always trust,
Don't worry about me I 'll be alright,
you can leave me here, to cry through the night.
(chorus)
I dont know if we deserve each other, yet I want us to be forever.
(chorus)
Yeah I look at you, but you have got no clue,
Why do you hurt me?
Why can't you see?
you're not ceasing to amaze,
it will always be the same,
you will always be amazing, you amaze me,
oh you amaze me,
amaze me.
BCM written4/4/05
yes i wrote this song for mitch
Apr. 4., 2005
05:08 pm
Hey.
This weekend I had alot of fun. Miatch, Court_Court, Ana, LW and me*:), went to Kota's for a get2gether. We went swimmin' and lw and Miatch took off their shirts and swam in their jeans, b/c the stupid retards didn't bring stuff to swim in.... DUH. Then, after we finished swimmin, Miatch went in Kota's room and looked at our so-called "belongings." Afterwards we went mud ridin'and now my pants have ALOT of mud on them. Miatch was drivin me n Kota around on her 4-wheeler and he was only wearing a towel and a shirt..... need I say more??? He was VERY dangerous, and he kept poppin' wheelies, Scarin' us to death. But the thing is, I'm startin' to like Miatch a lil' bit, and I cannot help it at all. He has a personality that mesh's well w/ mine, cuz we are both crazy and outgoing. and tough and mean as hell, so there you go. I think he has a great outlook on life, and he has a good vibe, who cares what he looks like, as long as I like em', right? (he is hot) I dont even really wanna like him, it is just sumfin that is happenin', and i kno it will end up hurtin' me, cuz he aint never gonna like me, cu z he dont wanna kno me. It breaks my heart every time I look at him and see a guy I like that duzn't like me back, again. Another heartbreak, another failure for Brittani McCauley. I feel useless. Well w/e, im gonna hurt LW. I hate his froggin guts....GAH!
loves ya!.
Britt
Mär. 29., 2005
06:10 pm
Hey ya'll, wats up?????┐½ìùíâ§?
Well today i've been okay, so far. But I did something i shoulda never done. I used a pair of tweesers to cut my arm. There weren't many scars, and they were very faint, so maybe, just maybe, nobody will notice. But the thing is that it felt good. I really just tried it to see if it would hurt. It felt like I was on top of the world, and I could control every kind of pain I had. It was the kind of feeling I expect to have when I get a record deal, and I am touring, and preforming in front of all my fans. I'm hoping that I WON'T be stupid enuff to try that "cutting" thing again, but it helps the pain go away. And trust me, this pain will never go away, until my dream has been completely fufilled, which is doubtful, extremely doubtful. I 'll keep praying, and hoping, and God will lead me to what he wants me to do. Keep praying you guys, or if you weren't start praying for me, cuz i need it.
luvs ya,
Britt
Mär. 22., 2005
06:19 pm
Sometimes I feel like givin' up, on everything. Sometimes I wish I could just, u know, vaporize. But I think of everyone i love (yesh I mean you Sister Kim, Kaitie, and Joe, you guyz are my reazon 4 living)and everything is OKay. I;m not the kinda person woh xpects much, i dont xpect any promises to be kept, and i dont xpect to be loved. Every1 thinks i dont wanna b/f bcuz of Ryan, but really it's bcuz i think "why bother, he'll just break your heart anyway." I'm not sure how I became this way, or why, but it hurts. ALOT. I lay in my bed at night and wish I could just stop breathing. It's that bad. Nobody really realizes that life's a bitch, and i'm weak, so its takin me down w/ it. nothing can save me from myself. except music. I know that sounds corny, but whenever i sing, or even listen to music, i am captivated, and i get lost in the dimensions of time. Yeah. well I gotta go. Somebody post a comment so I don't feel like tellin my feelings to everybody is a huge waste of time, and ill end up regretting it.
l8er,
Britt
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shadowless and emptyMär. 20., 2005
07:03 pm
Hey guyz,
don't have mush time.... but i haven't updated in a while so i figured... i should at least let all my non-existant friends at livejournal that i am still alive. So, I got this email from BETA records sayin that they want me to record a demo of one of my songs on MP3 and send it to them. i Think it is pretty kewl, but it is probabaLly not going to do much for my so-called career, so there's not mush hope. However, i must say it is surprising that company that has produced many great hit CD's (*Madonna, U2, and Green Day, just to name a few) would ask someone of my social and financial standing to send them any kind of music that was produced by me. So there, to all the people who said/say i can't do this career... boo to ya, im already starting and you will be a bum who works at a gas station and eats moon pies. ha
mush lub,
xoxox
Britt ani llamalicious evil monkey
Mär. 13., 2005
09:48 am
Hey shup?
nuffin mush here........ just chillin like a muffin.
Yesterday was koohl, I went to somewhere in Pine Mountain for the weekend, and I went to the skating last nighT. I found a new pack of llama freindz, there was Charmin, Georgio, and Asholay, they were all really quite crazy... like me. Ok I dont have much to say so....
lalalalalalalalalala
llama ochoerostria cjefgjrwgw5kyhobjgrweohnmrgnmrknrkehnkgn
STAY LLAMALICIOUS,
LUVSl8er,
Britt ani
Mär. 8., 2005
04:01 pm
Hey..... shup??
nuffin mush here.... big problems. Okay so, Ryan Cabrera........ long story made short, im like way in love with him, i dunno y.......
My life is such a train wreck.... I kinda feel like giving up on certain things "aka Miatch" Bcuz nobody will ever see me for who I am and want to be with me. Believe me. But it is so complicated... life is. I dont know y I even try.... if nothing ever turns out right. sooooooooooooooooo hard to reallize all of your dreams are shattered and you'll never be what you've wanted all along. oh well.... ill keep dreaming.
---Dork
BCM
rushedFeb. 18., 2005
09:13 am
I'm so pissed off! Kaitie (frend not sister... duh,) goes out wit Joe. Okay, history overview, a few months ago, Joe asked me out and I said no, bcuz I was afraid, of like, bieng hurt..... again. I liked him sooooo much, and she knew it. She goes out wit him anyways. I guessed it's partly my fault, I said it was OK, but I wanted to help, bcuz of Andrew dumping her. I guess I still have feelings 4 him, or else I wouldn't be so upset. He's like the perfect guy, so sweet, so perfect in every way, I dunno.... he's so great. I don't want Kaitie to know I still like him cuz I want them 2 go out, they were made for each other. I'm just scared that i'm gonna leave this world without anybody to care and love for me. It's hard waking up and realizing that the only true person you want to be with can never be with you. I t hurts to see him on TV and realize that it's never gonna happen. I just wish that people would stop expecting so much from me, i'll never be anything more than I am now, and I 'll never be any more perfect. I don't understand y guys can't like me for who I am. I kinda like LW, but I think it's one of my "messed up in the head and delirious" crushes. I wish that something would finally happen in my music/acting career, but no-one takes me seriously. I am so confused, and I want people to see the true me. But I don't think it's gonna happen......... ever.
-------Brittany
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